Orphanage Visit

Today we went to visit Lexa's Orphanage along with another orphanage of another family in our agency's travel group. It was a very LONG day! We had to ride in the van a lot today. The traffic in China is crazy. It just takes so long to get anywhere and it took 2 1/2 hours to get to Lexa's orphanage, then we age lunch, and then went to the other orphanage. It was nice to visit the orphanage and just to see where Lexa lived and went to school. It was also nice to see how much the caretakers love her. Lexa was in a really good orphanage that had a preschool where she learned a lot in the last semester. Her speech had been delayed, but her teacher told me today that Lexa's language has increased rapidly since starting school and she was no longer delayed in her language. Lexa was happy to show us her seat in her classroom. There was one of Lexa's caretakers who was out of town and so she was not there. I was told that this particular caretaker loved Lexa so much and would do special things for her. She actually bought Lexa the dress she was wearing on "Gotcha Day" with her own money. It is wonderful to know that someone was loving and taking care of her. It is hard to see all the kids who are still waiting for their families. Our guide teased us about looking for which one we want to take home with us next. I was not sure how Lexa would react to leaving, but she was ok. She seemed happy when we got back in the car. She is still very clingy to me and still not wanting Andy to hold her at all. She will play and laugh with him, but she only wants me to hold her. My arms are so sore!!! We ate Chinese food for lunch and then went to the other orphanage of our friend's daughter. We had an adventure with the "squatty potty" in the orphanage and Lexa ended up peeing all over me while I was trying to help her with it. (Squatty potty's are the worst. I seriously hate them.) Then, we had another long ride back to the orphanage. On the way home, we received the good news that the US consulate has reopened and that we will have our appointment on time!! Yay!! However, on the way home, my precious Jadyn got sick. The poor girl, who has been such a trooper and so very helpful, threw up 2 times. I am sure it was the combination of the Chinese food and the bumpy, bus ride. She seems to be better, just very tired. Then, when Lexa saw Jadyn upset, she became upset and had a difficult evening. She had a crying spell and just seemed sad the rest of the evening. Although Jadyn getting sick triggered it, I am sure she was sad about our trip to the orphanage, but I think it helped her to have some closure and to understand what is happening a little more. As I look back on today, it feels like so many ups and downs and I am exhausted!! Tomorrow, we will have a sight seeing day. I am looking forward to that and hoping that it will just be a fun day of bonding for us.

Pictures of the Day

I am too tired to write a lot today, but we are making progress. Lexa seemed more comfortable with us today and we had a fun morning playing outside at a little park. She loved playing with the balls and going down the slide. Then, we had the medical exam today and that was fine. She also ate and drank more today. In fact, tonight she ate a whole bowl of congee (rice soup). Here are some pictures of our day. Tomorrow we go visit Lexa's orphanage. We are hoping this will bring a little more closure for her. Also, there have been some problems with the U.S consulate and there is a chance it could affect our consulate appointment on Monday. Please pray that we will still be able to have our appointment on Monday. There was some white powder sent there this week and the consulate shut down the entire week. People who were supposed to have their appointments are stuck here until the consulate contacts them and reopens. We are hoping this will not affect us too!! We don't want to be stuck here and have to change our tickets and leave our boys any longer. Thanks for praying!

Officially Ours

Today was a hard day for Lexa and it is so heartbreaking to see her sad and afraid. She has times where she is happy and playful, but then there are times when she just needs to cry. I am thankful that she wants to cry in my arms and receive comfort. I have heard of children who have had crying spells that did not want to receive comfort from their adoptive parents. But, it is not easy to see your child so sad and there is nothing that you can do to help "fix" how she is feeling. All I can do is hold her and pray. Another difficult thing is that Lexa is hardly eating anything. I think she is just too upset to eat. She will take one bite and eat nothing else. (and it is food that we know she likes) I am praying that she will be able to eat and at least drink more tomorrow. Today we had an appointment at the Civil Affairs office again to finalize the adoption. It was a little scary because this unfriendly man was asking us very direct questions about why we would want to adopt, and why we want to have 4 kids, etc. His accent was so strong and it was hard to understand what he was saying and he was questioning our motives and all I could think was, "Oh my word, we got this far, please don't let this man tell us we can't adopt her now!" The scariest part was when he asked Andy if he knew Lexa's Chinese name. I knew he knew the name they called her, but I didn't know if he knew the full name. He did great though! I didn't know what the guy was going to say if Andy did not know it! After the interrogation, he stamped the paper and said we were finished. Whew!!! After this appointment, we went to the department store to get Lexa some shoes. The ones on her feet were way to small. She was so excited about her new shoes and didn't want to take them off all day. Then, after they were off, she put them back on. :) We went to a Chinese restaurant with another adoptive family this afternoon. Lexa and Jadyn had a special bath bonding time tonight. Lexa was so afraid of the bath at first. She never was in one before and cried when we first put her in. She did not want to sit down in it. I asked Jadyn to get in with her and we gave the girls some cups and Lexa just started copying Jadyn and playing with the cups in the water. She loved it! She laughed and smiled and loved pouring the water on her body and even dumped a cup of it on her head. Tomorrow is another appointment and Lexa will need to get a medical exam. I am not looking forward to this as she will need blood drawn for a TB test and I am told they will not let the parents in the room with child. I would appreciate prayers for Lexa and her grieving and for the appointment tomorrow. Here a few pics from today!

Dad's Perspective!

With the business of today out of the way, which was formalizing some paperwork at the civil affairs office, Jess and Lexa are napping which is much needed for them so I thought I would give this blog writing a shot, since my Netflix isn't working and yes as a man, it can get old reading the same thing on espn.com:) Jaydn is sitting on my lap, saying out loud every word I am typing so trying to think and type just isn't working and the delete button is telling me to stop hitting it so much!! As Jess wrote earlier, Lexa just didn't want me to hold her, look at her, and touch her. She would look at me with confusion in her eyes and quickly look away. when Jess had to finish some paperwork yesterday, I had to watched her and she go quite upset, started crying and would flop on the ground when I would try to pick her up or carry. Now for whatever reason, back in the states, playing with kids, this age, is very easy for me. they like to hang on me and hit me and they are hardly ever shy. Needless to say, I just expected Lexa to do the same thing. in the back of my mind I thought something like this would happen but i would just have a positive outlook towards the meeting and not plan emotionally for what would happen if this would happen. I felt helpless and sad, I asked myself and God if I would have the same relationship with her as I do with my biological children. When Jess was finished with her paperwork Lexa was thrilled that she had come back...as was i:) As the day wore on and back in our hotel room where there was piece and quiet, we played a little and it was so great to see her play with some blocks with Jaydn and crash them down. she would laugh so hard when they would fall and she would look up at me with this big smile and she would look at me with my big smile and I feel that she felt that this guy isn't so bad. by the end of the night, she was letting me hold her and hold her hand and I even got a few kisses in there without her looking:) Today, she lets me feed her and hold her when we go places, and when Jess steps out of the room she doesn't fuss or nothing, she just wants to hold my hand. I love this little girl and looking back, yes it will take that time to bond, but God, day by day is answering my question...I will have that relationship with her as I do my other children and I am soo excited about it.

Lexa!

Today was a very special day for us. We have been waiting so long for this day. The morning went by slowly as we waited for 2:00 when we would meet in our hotel lobby to go to the civil affairs office, where we would finally meet and hold Lexa for the first time. When we got to the civil affairs office, there were other families who had just met their children so there were babies crying and it was a little crazy. We had to take care of some paperwork first, and then we went over to a door where they would bring Lexa out. I wanted us to take in the moment so neither Andy or I video taped or took many pictures those first few moments. Jadyn was with us and "attempted" to video, but it didn't turn out the best. Lexa is absolutely adorable! She is a little bigger than I thought she would be...she must have grown a lot since the last time they reported her height and weight. She is actually really solid and heavy. She was sweet and did not hesitate for me to hold her. She loved looking at a book and showing me some work she did in her preschool class at the orphanage. She did not want anything to do with Andy at first and would not let him hold her. The lady from the orphanage said that she had all female caretakers so she may be afraid of men for a little. After a little while of playing and looking at books, Lexa suddenly got teary. She did not fight me holding her, but just laid in my arms and cried. It was so heartbreaking. She just wept. She wasn't screaming, just weeping. I just held her and cried a little bit with her. After about 10 minutes, she stopped crying and it was time for us to go. On the way home, we stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few things. She loved going to the store. She was so happy and was pointing and talking (of course we had no idea what she was saying!). However, at this point, she still didn't want anything to do with Andy and so I had to carry her most of the time. I will be sore tomorrow! She does walk slowly and a little unsteady so she couldn't walk on her own in a very crowded store. When we got back to the hotel, we got out some blocks that I brought along and she LOVED playing with the blocks. She was able to bond with Jadyn and Andy while playing at the hotel and she is doing better with Andy now. We went to McDonald's for supper because we needed something quick and easy tonight. I am so thankful that Jadyn was able to come along. Lexa loved playing with Jadyn and they laughed so hard together. I was so proud of how Jadyn handled herself and opened her heart to Lexa. She is a wonderful big sister. Tomorrow we go back to the civil affairs office to finalize the adoption. Then, we plan on shopping to look for a small stroller because Lexa is so very heavy, even with a carrier. We are so thankful to God for allowing us to parent Lexa. She is such a treasure.

We are in CHINA!

I have not updated this blog in ages, but decided I wanted to keep a record of our trip so I am going to attempt to update while we are here! We had quite a long journey to get here. We had a flight delay and had to spend the night in Japan, but we had a good night there and it was kind of nice to break up the journey. I had never been on a flight so long before and it was exhausting!! Jadyn did very well and kept busy watching movies, coloring, and working on school work. Today, we flew into Hong Kong and then had a private van ride into Guangzhou which is where we are staying while we are in China. Our agency travel guide books the hotels and arranges transportation for us, which makes thing very easy. Plus, they put us in a VERY nice and fancy hotel. I have NEVER stayed at a hotel this nice before. I will take some photos to post another day. We didn't get here until 5:30 pm and just got settled, ate dinner, and walked around the area a bit to see what was around us. Jadyn is already receiving extra attention because of her long blonde hair. When we were out she was approached by a "model agent" who wanted us to get Jadyn photographed to be model. They had a modeling agency card and wanted to schedule a photo shoot. We declined. :) We miss the boys so much but realize after the long flight and all the traveling that it would not have been practical at all for them to come. Tomorrow is the big day! We finally get to meet and hold Lexa. We will meet her around 2:30. We are so excited and nervous at the same time. My heart is full of so many different emotions. I love adoption, but the reality is, there are a lot of losses involved. I feel so sad knowing that Lexa is about to lose everything that she knows. Our prayer is that we can form an attachment as quickly as possible and we are relying on God to give us the wisdom we need to parent Lexa over the next few months as she adjusts to a new life. I hope to update the blog tomorrow and add some photos of our special day.

Empty Chairs...

We had a very special Christmas gift! On Christmas evening, I checked the tracking number for our dossier and it arrived in China on Christmas Day!! We should be logged in the next 1-3 weeks. After that we wait for our Letter of Acceptance, which could take 60-90 days. We are looking at traveling in the next 4-5 months and bringing Lexa home!

I went to see the movie Les Miserables this week. I have seen the musical before, but there was one song and one phrase that had new meaning to me this year. It was the song "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables". In the story, Marius sings the song, after losing his friends during the French Revolution. Although we had a special time with my family this year, it felt as though we had "Empty Chairs." On the one hand, we had an empty chair by not having Lexa with us this Christmas. Even though she is not "officially" ours, she is ours in our heart and it felt like an empty chair to not have her with us. The week before Christmas I was talking to Noah about Lexa and he said, "When can we get Lexa?" I told him it would be after Christmas and not for a while. He replied, "But Mom, Lexa can't miss Christmas!" It was so sweet that even our 3 year old wanted Lexa home for Christmas. :) Even though missing Lexa left an empty chair, it leaves us with excitement and anticipation. We are excited about what this year holds and bringing her home to us.

On the other hand, we had an empty chair that will never be filled again while we are on this Earth. And that empty chair made Christmas so very difficult. My brother Justin and his wife Rawan were in town with their family so we all spent the night with my parents, along with Janelle (Joel's wife) and their boys. We had some special times together, but we all felt the absence of missing Joel. These past few weeks have been very emotional. Then, we celebrated Andy's birthday with Justin, Rawan, and Janelle by going out to eat without the kids (something we don't get to do very often!) It was a blast spending time with them, but again, there was a very evident "empty chair." As Andy and I talked about it that night, we cried together, remembering all of the good times we had shared with Joel in the past, and the sinking reality that there will be no more memories with him in our Earthly future. I have been reading the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn. Thinking about heaven, eternity, and the reunion we will have someday has been an amazing comfort. But as I heard the song "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" I couldn't help but see the comparison to the loss of Joel. The lyrics are below...

"There's a grief that can't be spoken There's a pain goes on and on Empty chairs at empty tables Now my friends are dead and gone Here they talked of revolution Here it was they lit the flame Here they sang about tomorrow And tomorrow never came. From the table in the corner They could see a world reborn And they rose with voices ringing And I can hear them now! The very words that they had sung Became their last communion On the lonely barricade... At dawn. That I live and you are gone There's a grief that can't be spoken There's a pain goes on and on Oh my friends, my friends, don't ask me What your sacrifice was for Empty chairs at empty tables Where my friends will sing no more..."

WE ARE MATCHED!!

On Monday, we received Pre-Approval from China for our precious daughter!! 

Introducing...Lexa Joeley Lloyd!

We received her file to look at on November 9, after inquiring about her from our Adoption Agency.  When we saw those chubby cheeks, and that precious face, we knew she was a Lloyd.  There was just something about the look on her face...and we just knew.  As we read her file, and conferred with doctors it was hard.  They really couldn't give us a lot of information about her condition without seeing her.  Despite that, we just felt in our hearts that she was ours.  She is 2 1/2 years old and we are still unsure to the extent of her special need.  As with any adoption, it is a step of faith.  We know that she had low-birth weight and possible mild cp, but we really won't know much until she is home and seen by specialists.  We are so excited and the waiting is so very hard.  It is so difficult to feel in your heart that you have a child that is half the world away.

We chose the name Lexa, meaning defender of mankind.  We thought we had a middle name picked out, but after talking with a friend who has 3 adopted girls, she recommended using a special family name for the middle name.  She said it means so much to her girls that they have that special family name. After losing my brother this year, his name was the obvious one to us.  (see previous post)  We took part of his first name and part of his middle name to get Joeley (Joel Wesley).  And it actually sounds awesome together!! Lexa Joeley. 

I pray for her all the time.  Praying that someone is showing her love.  Praying for the very difficult transition that lies ahead of her.  Praying for her to continue progressing physically and academically.  Praying that the spirit of abandonment and rejection would be broken from her life forever. 

While we are getting closer to the adoption, the truth is, we have some mountains to jump.  While we have been able to pay each step of the way so far, we still need about $15,000 to $18,000 to bring her home.  This includes all kinds of government fees and travel.  If you feel lead to help with the adoption costs, and would like to send a tax deductible donation, please sent your donation to:

Dove Christian Fellowship Elizabethtown
5 East Park St., Elizabethtown, PA 17022
(please write "adoption fund" on the memo line and do not write our names)

You can also donate by clicking on the chip-in box to the right of this post.  The next step of this process costs about $6,000 (authentication/dossier fees).  We would like to get this done asap, but need about $1500 more to do it.  The chip-in box goes directly to help with this.

We appreciate all of the prayers and encouragement that many of you have given along the way.  We will continue to keep you updated!!  Thank you!

Progress!!!

I have not been very faithful at keeping up with this blog!  Between caring for my husband, kids, and home...and teaching full time...and commitments at church...we have been very busy!!  But, I am so excited about the adoption progress.  I really can't share the full extent of everything publicly yet, but I am hoping we can in the next 2 weeks!! 

For those of you that know "adoption" lingo, we are waiting for our official immigration approval, and our certified birth certificate copies and then we can send our dossier to China!!  A dear friend at work gave me the book Mommy's Heart Went Pop to read.  Tonight, I read it with Jadyn, Nathan, and Noah.  It is a beautiful story about adoption and we were able to talk.  I think it helped the kids understand the adoption more.  They are so excited to meet their new sister!

November is orphan awareness month and when I think about the vastness of the orphan problem it can be very overwhelming.  Last year, a report from Beijing read that China alone had over 700,000 Orphans.  And that is only China!  But, God does not ask us to solve the entire Orphan problem.  He often calls us to do what we can, and he often calls us to change one life at a time.  I love the quote from Katie Davis in Kisses From Katie,

    “People who really want to make a difference in the world usually do it, in one way or another. And I’ve noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren’t determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they’re satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world.”

And so we want to change one precious life.  And in this process, God is changing our lives too.  Soon, we will have another child.  A precious blessing and gift from God.  And hopefully, we can give you more details very soon!

5 months ago...

Although this blog was started because of our upcoming adoption, I can hardly write any more entries without writing about the deep pain my family has experienced for the last 5 months.

Five months ago...it was March 17, 2012.  St. Patrick's Day.  We had a leadership team day retreat for our church.  We had a wonderful day of prayer, fellowship, and seeking God for vision for the church.  Our pastor led us in a prayer/meditation exercise on Mark 10:35-45 (definitely not a coincidence looking back on it).  After the leadership meeting, we picked up our kids and went to Harrisburg to spend some time with my parents.  We went out to eat and had a great evening.  We talked about our plans for the summer and how we were looking forward to a great summer together with my brother Joel and his beautiful family.  We were going to celebrate Joel and Janelle's 30th birthdays, go to the beach together, and just spend quality time together since Joel and Janelle were living Yemen.  We went home, went to bed, and I specifically remember feeling joyful that night.  I just felt grateful to God for all of His blessings.  I was thankful for my family, thankful for wonderful friends, and for an awesome church family.  I was excited for the summer since school would be out (I am a teacher), the auction would be over (Andy & I were co-chairs of a school benefit auction), and Joel and Janelle would be home.

March 18, 2012.  My cell phone rings and wakes me up at 3:34 (yes, I remember the exact time).  It was my dad and he asked if Andy was there and he wanted me to put him on speaker phone.  My heart sank.  I knew something was wrong.  At first I thought it was my grandma.  Then, my thoughts went to my mom (since I did not hear her in the background at first).  My dad said, "Joel was involved in some sort of accident or attack in Yemen."  I felt the pain in my stomach.  I am thinking, "Is he ok."  But then, before I asked, my dad said, "I'm sorry honey, he didn't make it."

"He didn't make it."  He didn't make it??? Disbelief.  Denial.  Shock.  I thought this must be a nightmare.  I am just having a nightmare.  Yet, I knew it wasn't a dream.  The hours that followed included hugs, weeping, phone calls, the news media, pain, joy, and despair.  It was surreal.  As the news released more information, and we talked with Joel's friends in Yemen, we discovered the shocking truth that Joel was shot 4 times with an AK47 by 2 men on a motorcycle from a group linked with Al Qaeda.  He was followed and targeted.  He died instantly. 

There are so many thoughts, too much to write in one blog entry.  I will say that the last five months have been the most painful months we have ever experienced.  While I know Joel is with Jesus, and I do find comfort in that, it does not take away the pain of such a loss.  Joel leaves behind a beautiful wife and 2 precious sons.  He was my brother and friend.  My brothers and I were always so close growing up and even as adults.  It felt incomprehensible that he was really gone.  When I spent time with Joel, I always left feeling loved, accepted, encouraged, and challenged.  He said the things that mattered.  The last conversation I had with him we talked about the beach trip we were planning, we talked about our kids, and we talked about the adoption.  He said he supported the adoption and was so happy for us.  He said, "I don't know anyone with more of a mother's heart than you." 

Joel was not perfect, but he was special.  He loved with his whole heart.  He genuinely cared about people and had a deep commitment to Jesus.  I miss him.  Today, at a teacher in-service for school we were asked what was the highlight of our summer.  I had nothing to share.  I didn't feel I had a highlight.  This summer felt like a summer of loss.  This summer I missed giving Joel a hug.  I missed laughing about our silly inside jokes.  I missed listening to him proudly talk about his sons.  I missed going on double dates with him and Janelle.  I missed throwing a party for his 30th birthday.  I missed watching him and Andy pal around together in the waves at the beach.  I missed his response to his son Liam as he said "Strawbebbe" instead of strawberry.  I missed his excitement as we celebrated his son Valen's fifth birthday. I missed our dinner conversations, and I missed seeing the passion in his eyes as he talked about the Yemeni people.

Right now the only think I can cling to is God and his sovereign plan.  I know there is good coming out of a terrible situation, but believe me, I have struggled with anger and questions.  I keep reminding myself of Isaiah 55:8-9. 

    "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways, declares the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts."

I am thankful for a God who has compassion for us, and I am thankful for a wonderful family and church body who have poured out their love, prayers, and compassion for us.  I wanted to end with something I wrote the day after Joel died.  It is still my feelings today.

"How is it possible to feel such deep brokeness and yet immense joy at the same time?
I have been blessed with almost 30 precious years of memories, laughter, joy, and tears. My little brother Joel was my hero in life and in death. He lived his life without fear and followed the call whatever the cost. Joel is a part of the "cloud of witnesses" in Hebrews 11 and he is one of those "of whom the world was not worthy." I will miss you my precious baby brother, but look forward to our sweet reunion."